Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring