Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
“I’m not a fan.”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Not today, today.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.