Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
pls suprot
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
had to make it
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*