Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
What a chick magnet..
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point