Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.