Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
wow he looks just like him
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.