Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
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Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Sing it!
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My five year plan is a meteorite
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.