Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
You Might Also Like
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
What personal space?
My dog
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
me hitting on a model
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]