Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot