Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.