Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
can’t bark with your mouth full
What is going on? 😅
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?