yo apparently, Micheal Jackson would go and record songs as soon as he got the idea so God wouldn’t pass the idea to Prince and I’m fucking cackling, yes this is the kind of vendetta I’m on lmaoo
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
local ordinance bans backyard rocket launches?? moving my experiments to the city park
Google assistant rules
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A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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My typo game is string.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
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We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?