yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
A woman drives into a bar.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.