Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
just pretend nothing happened
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.