Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.