YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
When libraries troll their patrons.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.