Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
You Might Also Like
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.