Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.