Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
eggs benadryl
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I need to get some bricks…
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
When I snag the last meatball.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.