Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.