YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.