Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna