Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?