Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.