Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
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mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.