Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?