YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere