yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
You Might Also Like
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I hope they boil the right one.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one