@SharkJelly
@CornOnTheGoblin i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
You Might Also Like
@CornOnTheGoblin 
@chadopitz Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
@rmfnord Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
@robdelaney If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
@ItsAndyRyan Maths meets science
@itsWillyFerrell Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
@JillianKarger what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
@Shanehasabeard “Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
@daemonic3 JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
@AbbyHasIssues Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.