Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
can we close the damn window


Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.


Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.


If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.


what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”


“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there


JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*


Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.