You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?