you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
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me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Oh deer
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes