Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

What flavor cupcake are these

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.