You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.