@Darlainky

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

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@AimeeHelene1

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

@LindaInDisguise

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

@PettyRuxpin83

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

@25lbschobani

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

@WittySassBasket

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

@upsidedowntrash

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

@mrjohndarby

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

@perlhack

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

@JessObsess

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.