‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[god inventing cows]
angels: *nodding* cheese
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.