“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Oh the world we live in…
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”