You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
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Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
What flavor cupcake are these
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
New menu item
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic