You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.