“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no