you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
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Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Twitter remains undefeated
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of