you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
🤣✨#caturday
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.