@Lisa_Laughs_ When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
@BlackCatBettie You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
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@Lisa_Laughs_ 
@bewgtweets Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
@timdonakowski Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
@psybermonkey Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
@Brianhopecomedy I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
@TheFirstDudish My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
@david8hughes Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
@Ndeshi_M Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
@Reverend_Scott Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
@pleatedjeans [blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s