You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Fight
my astrological sign is a french fry
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
jesus, what did this guy do
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.