You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
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I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft