you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
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Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
That took me a moment.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.