Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.