You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”