You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”