YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.


Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.


I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.


Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.


[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
*takes plate of fries with me*


if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute


Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.


Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.