@mxmclain

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

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@iinkedZombie

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

@_elvishpresley_

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

@Aikiwomannc

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

@IfIwassomething

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

@Goofpoops

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

@thetits

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@Fred_Delicious

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

@daemonic3

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

@ItsAndyRyan

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.