All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Is this your resume?
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
Welcome to UPS!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.