You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”