You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.