You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”