“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.