You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”